Although she has hardly been seen in recent years, given the fact that she is 99 years old and in fragile health, legendary blond bombshell actress and wife to many, Zsa Zsa Gabor has agreed to head the Hollywood for Trump committee as chair, and has tapped a reliable family member to effectively serve as her more active co-chair, her step-great-granddaughter Paris Hilton. (Gabor’s second husband was Conrad Hilton, the great-grandfather of Paris Hilton).
Known for her compassionate charity work among the poor of Beverly Hills and what she called “old-fashioned Hungarian morals,” Zsa Zsa has another familial tie to Paris. She had a love affair with her stepson, who was Paris Hilton’s great-uncle.
She has an especially intense affinity for the leading Republican presidential candidate and what she suggests was yet another marital connection. The legendary blonde celebrity added:
“Darling, I was Donald Trump’s first wife after all! Millions and millions of people never stopped calling me Ivana. No, no, I’m Zsa Zsa, you see. Zsa Zsa. Not Ivana. People are so stupid to get the ‘z’ confused with the ‘v.” So stupid. Just terrible. Terrible, terrible. We need to make American great again.
So after all those years of people thinking we were married, I started to feel like we were in my imagination. And because I imagined it, this was the truth. So? I mean, look I think they’re going to have to send Hillary Clinton to jail. It’s terrible.
Donald and I share so, so, so, so, so much. Gold is the color of our toilet, champagne is the color of our hair. And the Evangelicals, they love me – even more than him. Terrific. Totally. I’m religiously devoted to Christian Dior, so the Evangelicals – they love me!”
Although she dispelled the urban myth that Trump’s first wife was, in fact, the fourth Gabor sister, she traces this misunderstanding to the fact that her late sister, fellow actress Eva Gabor, in her iconic role as the character Lisa Douglas in the popular 1960’s television sitcom Green Acre, anticipated the Trump lifestyle by two decades.
Pointing out that during the opening sequence of Green Acres, Eva held a precious, little dog while adoring her penthouse view overlooking all of New York City where the best stores and Times Square could be easily accessed and she expressed a desire for all of Park Avenue.
Zsa Zsa Gabor claims that Ivana Trump stole Eva Gabor’s persona to make her own, including an Eastern European accent. She thinks she “just still might have to sue her” on behalf of her late sister.
The pending suit nevertheless has not prevented her support of Ivana’s former husband.
Asked if she had any ulterior motive for signing on as chairman of the Hollywood for Trump! Committee, Miss Gabor confessed that she is hoping for one small quid pro quo:
“Donald knows how I was taken advantage of just because I’m rich by that loser policeman who pulled me over in my Rolls Royce in Beverly Hills in 1989.
I did what Donald would have wanted me to do – I slapped him into the face. You know we have to stop being politically correct. That loser policeman.
Terrible, just terrible, terrible. It was the most disgusting thing that has ever happened in this country.
I don’t need reparations, darling – I have millions and millions of dollars, more than you or anyone else will ever have, but right after he gets Mexico to build a wall, Donald will locate that policeman and get him the hell out. Deport him. Just terrible, terrible, terrible.
Making her step great-granddaughter Paris Hilton the co-chair of the Hollywood for Trump Committee, Gabor said, will be the most immediate way to help make America great again by reviving the careers of as many blond reality TV stars as possible from the early 21st century, “the best time ever.”
Hilton was then co-star of a reality series The Simple Life, expanding her thespian talents to include films like Sweetie Pie (2000), Bottoms Up (2005) and, The Hottie and the Nottie (2008).
In fact, Hilton owes her extraordinary career directly to Donald Trump, becoming a teenage model for his Trump Management agency. Although expelled from boarding school and dropping out before graduating, she has since failed to be be imprisoned more than once, following her arrest for speeding while drunk and driving with a suspended license.
Like her mentor, she has also worked hard to achieve a distinguished entrepreneurial career, ranging from her own lines of hair extensions, wedge and stiletto-heeled shoes, her perfume called Just Me, and posing naked to advertise wine. Alongside the like of Cicero and Hemingway, the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations includes her immortal words “Dress cute wherever you go.” Earning income for appearing at events, she is apparently still available for rent.
Thus far, chairman Zsa Zsa has carefully screened the eager bevy of beautiful stars who have striven to get their names listed as part of her committee, with the understanding that each will be paid for any appearances they make on Trump’s behalf.
Those stars who have thus far been announced included, according to Miss Gabor, “only those with the attributes that appeal to Donald, who were born with or bought the kind of talents that make them absolutely, absolutely the right kind of ladies for him.”
“We need a touch of class again, okay? Okay?” the exasperated star finally exclaimed when pressed on details about Trump policies important to her:
“They love me. They love him. They love a little more. My numbers are through the roof. There are so many things we need to fix in this country. Not just the damage Obama has done – but the damage George Washington did. You know we got rid of royalty because he became President. You didn’t know that darling? Well, he did. And I am Princess Zsa Zsa, because my current husband is a German prince. But I cannot go out in tiara and sash, just diamonds and furs. I mean, where is it written everyone has to be equal? Life isn’t fair. This country is going in the wrong direction. It’s disgusting. It’s the most disgusting thing in America.”
The stellar A-list of talented luminaries will be a reunion of sorts for some members, permitting the likes of such notables such as as reality show Rock of Love co-stars Heather Chadwell and Daisy Delahoya to work together again.
In the works already are the launch of an official Hollywood for Trump campaign song, an adaptation of “You’ve Got to get a Gimmick if You Want to Get Ahead,” from the really old movie musical Gypsy.
Also signed up for Trump are Megan Hauserman, star of the reality TV shows I Love Money (2008) and Megan Wants a Millionaire (2009). Most recently, she appeared in an episode of CNBC’s American Greed (2015). Although she has only been arrested once for drunk driving, she is currently employed as a spokesperson for a Pompano Beach steakhouse.
Committee members have pledged to do better than distribute mere campaign buttons, bumper stickers and tee-shirts. They are now in the process of gathering donations to purchase as many brass trumpets as they can to give their first rally a big launch. They’ve dubbed the endeavor, “Trumpets for Strumpets.”
Finally, Gabor announced that a grassroots sub-committee had also been formed, to be chaired by reality show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (2012) star Mama June, the Georgia mother who lived in a trailer.
Although Honey Boo Boo was cancelled two years ago after allegations emerged that Mama June was dating a registered sex offender, Zsa Zsa affirmed that, “She is in touch with the heart of America, all those people who used to buy Eva’s wigs and you see from the plane when you go to New York or in those houses on the news after hurricanes.”
Unconfirmed are rumors that Hilton is courting Courtney Love, wife of the late Kurt Cobain, to join the committee because Gabor is seeking to broadly appeal to “all those young people who listen to the new, loud music.” Believed to have last been seen in a darkened alley, hanging her head over a dumpster, Love could not be located for comment.
Unclear is whether this is part of a larger coordinated effort by the Trump campaign to further add to what the candidate calls the “millions and millions of women who love me,” or whether the committee members are gunning for a spot on the anticipated E! Entertainment Channel reality show set to air in time for the November election, “The Next Mrs. Trump!”
Members of the media, seeking a response to the news, from Trump’s likely rival, the leading Democratic presidential candidate caught up with her in New York, where she is spending three hours delivering six detailed policy speeches on foreign trade, gender equality protection, ensuring voting rights, climate change regulations, the prime lending rate, education investment, and is also encapsulating into ten minute presentations her eleven straight hours of December 2015 congressional testimony, a feat which led Trump to characterize her as “lacking stamina.”
In her statement about the Hollywood for Trump Committee announcement, Hillary Clinton tersely remarked, “Another cultural watershed.”
In further news today blurring the line between Hollywood and Washington, entertainment and politics, Variety announced that actor Tobey McGuire is set to star in the life story of failed Republican presidential candid ate Marco Rubio, who has spent the weeks since he withdrew from the race negotiating his own biopic.
Many questioned the veracity of the news from Hollywood, coming as it did on the first day of the fourth month, traditionally known as a time for widespread dissemination of practical jokes. In fact, on the premise that the formal announcement may provide some with yet another opportunity to get cash by doing nothing, a legal caveat confirmed that the announcement was, in fact, entirely a satirical fabrication intended to make April Fool’s Day great again.
Categories: April Fool's satire